why would i not want want to live here?

reminds me of yale :'(

that building by the pee statue

or here??

would it be worth going back to school?

i think so.

even for 4+ years? god, that's brutal.

i'm almost throwing up while updating this.

a london journalist used this picture in his article about damien hirst's the physical impossibility of death in the mind of someone living moving to the met in new york. it was weeks before this shark was thrown away and replaced by a new one. why use this picture then? agh. its almost fully decomposed.

i'm gagging.

looking at these irresolute pictures is making me so terrified to the point of almost puking. i will never believe i stood face to face with this thing for hours. i only got used to it after like 45 minutes of standing there. but when i go back i will be unable to go in the room with it again. it's going to take more this time to get me in the room. last time i still had depakote anti-anxiety medication in my system which mutes my phobias from giving me harsh reactions to the things i'm phobic of.

oh god i'm hyperventilating really badly seeing this last picture at a glance. my stomach is spasming. i've never been so terrified in my life i have to stop looking at shark pictures. i can't explain this feeling. imagine a black widow crawling on you in the dark. omgod this is so painful.

oh my god

apparently i have to take anti-anxiety medication before i go back in the met.

and apparently i can't shark-cage dive unless i'm on anti-anxiety medication. ooohhh this is so discontenting.

there. god helps those who love, apparently.

i can't edit the entry or read it because i'm having an anxiety attack.

this has never happened to me before in the response to pictures. only to dark water and boats and ships before i sank low enough to seek clinical help.

now i remember having a freak out like this with the stomach spasms too when i was rowing a boat in a harbor next to bigger boats.

omgod it's the worst worst feeling ever besides guilt. omgod aahhh phobias suck.

last year on meds i went ON a sunken ship. thats how much meds do. i can't explain it.