the beginning of the hell again

I'm back where I was

I'm finished false happiness

Watch me go through a spiral of anxiety

And self-destruction back to a hopeless suicidal victim

I won't be able to handle anything this way

I don't deserve this

raaaahhhggbjjhbdrrrrrrruuhbdbhdjfbfrrrrr

ok apparently blogger censored my post... Whatevs. I wrote that while in a weird state..
very weird
anyway now I'm... Something
still completely Fucking clueless honestly.
Aaahhh WTF am I to do about it though. (my iphone capitalises WTF hahaa it loves the cuss)
okkk well um I guess
I um don't know.
Maybe not talk to my madr again uh
kicked out of my house for having a 2 9, job, nother job, goals, achievable aspirations and the self-control
Why is my goddamn mom in the same bedroom as my dad?
WTF why stay the fucking same?
I get fucked for it.
By someone who hates me just for the fact that I'm alive. I came out of her HGffgHhgfFrRreeeAaasaaagh SOME PaeOLLE Should not have kids!!!!
Aggghhhh that is such a fucing ISSUE to me!!!!
I would be the best mother!!
But not this week.. Jjhhgfgj how ironic
anywayyyy rrraaaooouuyywwee eeeee
GOD
GggoooddDdddDdd I wish kinda.
man I'm so fucked. The fture looks vague
and STUPiD
S t u p I d
maaaa shit.
SHit.
and thatcssss all
but Be Happy!!! Drink a beer.
i wana go on top chef just for the free beer ahahaha
no I'm not that into beer and wine anymore
well uh or a lot of things. I shall...... Change. How often?
Gimme a split second
wa
raa raaoouughe

it's either them or a drug dealer

do you think maybe the pirate skull and crossbones on the wall might be a bad omen?
I can't post a picture of a model right now. Note auto capitalizing.
sexxxxxy though

Oh look it's my bday
happy beed to me
fortunately I have special people about to don me quite enjoyable gifts on this fine morning
AND DISNEYLANDDDDDD YE

texted

give me my money
because you don't treat me nice
so you don't deserve to remind me
unless you at least pay me what i was meant to make

your winter

my check came in the mail today and it's $100 short
i can't avoid him and i'm not calling him for at least a week

it put me in a depression immediately
i started flipping out and my mom
is an insensitive bitch

i just wanted to get drunk

apparently i didn't give myself that option


i'm fighting myself not to be depressed

if my roommate gets a job at that restaurant i'm going to kill myself

continued.

home


















lula
tesk



licking me






















modeling!
this pose is so modeling bc she never holds herself/moves like this when there isn't a camera in front of her!























lu and i kissing
her favourite thing to do























sebastian and alex now



when i got here stupid belg told me she's gona kill him and 'was just waiting til i got home.' she's such a fucked up bitch he is FINE and HAPPY he lost 10 pounds but he walks ALL THE TIME when i'm here cause he LOVES me and i LOVE him. she hates him and neglects the SHIT OUT OF HIM and that's why he doesn't walk or show happiness around her. obviously she's making him lose the will to live and i'm fuckin angry about it she is lessening his life and if she ever kills him i'll fucking never talk to her again. he deserves to live but MOST importantly he WANTS to live i am pretty sure. EVERY SINGLE time i go near him he stands up and walks around the ENTIRE time i'm near him. and when my friends came over he wouldn't sit down or stop being with us and ate sooo much food. i KNOW he wants to be happy and live. SHE'S like a goddamn CONCENTRATION CAMP to him and she's a malicious bitch to him and MAKING HIM die. I FUCKING HAVE TO DO SOMETHING


her leg got shaved for the iv it's soo cute even though she hates me hahaha and bites only me even though she's blind and deaf aha









younger

















pictures i can't post anywhere proper cause jimmy's in them































btw my little brother just told me i'm not pretty
aha
ok but he said halle berry is
oooooh ok

and my plans

i planned to get jeans for camp
boots for camp
clothes i can get dirty

holy shit the new target line
organic clothes by rogan gregory
holy shit how do new yorkers live without target??
the line came out sunday
so it shouldn't be too picked over!
but i wish i'd gotten there sooner.

my riding boots may have leather and my jc shoes are COMING IN THE MAIL SOON cause the backorder time is over!!!! so these $98649.74 worth of rogan clothes i buy will help counter the shit i do buy buying leather :(

they better have a lot of these at camp









cause buckskins are my favourite colour horses. omgod i havent even been around a horse in 4 years!!!!!!!!!!! wtffffffffff only 10 days this is insane! just being there i will fucking flip out into happy-world

the bronx zoo people finally emailed me. i faxed them my apps.
the internship is 4 weekdays from 9-2:30.
dude.
plus overnight and weekend hours possibly.
and from sept til june.
so i can't take russian, archaeology, basically anything normal or of interest.

BUT REALLY.
this internship is so much of my life. if i take 3 classes around it and later get more wildlife stuff....this is what i need to become a zookeeper/wildlife conservist. it's very important and necessary. it would be an honour to get such a job.
my lifestyle will definitely warp.
but in a GREAT way. i'm sure.

i don't know what i want for my birthday. probably american apparel, anthropologie or free people gift certificates. i need shoes in life so i guess.. well that doesn't help much. i'm going to dinner with parents and disneyland with friends. cool people better come and stupid people better not act stupid. i bet it will just be me sam and larry though.

i bought atonement sweeney todd and hairspray. my favourite actors johnny jared jake and james are all j's. zac efron is a z. and clive owen. and shia. and kevin spacey of course, whom i know.

holy fuckin shit http://community.livejournal.com/ontd_fashinfags/829265.html?view=18598481#t18598481

MY 2 LIFE CALLINGS
i'm actually debating the cons of working for fashion companies this fall and after. like would i be doing a disservice to wildlife/making it less likely that i conserve wildlife in the future as a lifestyle[career]? i'm still really passionate about prisons too but

a spot into my future,

Cristóbal Balenciaga Eisaguirre





http://img189.imagevenue.com/aAfkjfp01fo1i-7535/loc247/63391_power1a_123_247lo.jpg

http://img337.imageshack.us/my.php?image=63401power3123372lodd1.jpg






tbc

neva lucas viktor

neva

lucas is in the green pants

viktor was in her belly and the other boy must be lucas' friend.




in other words, what i wish my life was:
[this is my favourite editorial ever, think about the feelings it gives you]


















.this one is outlaw couture and funnily enough the first picture is like the last of partie de plaisir. i had a dos equis today at lunch with my mom. she didn't drink. obviously i like my life to be like this editorial as well. actually, i very very VERY much do. here's why:


and if i don't get luluteska in august:







unfortunately i didn't spend the 17 dollars to buy this one, but there's many more of this ed.

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.

it's a cold and it's a broken

your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

nata's had hundreds of campaigns and covers and millions of dollars and

anya's my second favourite only to her?
wtf?
i fucking love this girl right now

































she's on the same level as real models. omGOD i am gona miss her after next week. i should start agency just so i can be near her.
if she was lesbian i would move to any part of the world just so i could marry her

physically a cross between
pivya


and maria dvirnik