wants

i'm bored and tired of everything in life. all that interests me are the exciting moments of previously unaired house, dexter, big bang theory, etc. episodes. i live in a cage with tv on one side, movies on another, gossip on another - which unconciously works its way in. i've decided to give up fashion until the golden globes which air jan 11 to see if i feel better about my image. it sucks feeling so idealistic about an unhealthy image and resigning to being so far from it. i suppose i'm picking up something equal by aspiring now to become luke walton's wife - a pro-basketball player's wife. now i want to play sports and be a limber, sprightly athlete.. something i once almost was (i was more of a bulky enthusiastic competitor). in any case, my obsession with those i don't know continues to flourish.. how can i turn it off? and how long until it becomes even worse, darker, until i start being obsessed with characters - even faker people? i'd like in theory to meet people and make more close friends.. but when i meet people i usually seriously disrespect them - in such a condition i staunchly prevent myself from becoming friendly with that person. it takes 6 months or so for one of those to become acceptable. sometimes shorter but problems of distrust persist. i like living this way and selecting few friends, but it is boring.. feeling like a loner and an idealizer of the famous. they are not that great as people, but bc i don't know them it's okay to become attached to them? so awkward. very pathetic, depressing. i should just play sports, read books, learn science and get my confidence back by ignoring the sector of human relations and insecurity. it's just been so long since i've known what confidence felt like in any way. I'M SAD about it. i want a fucking life. i want to be able to feel proud to introduce myself to someone i admire. it's even hard for me now to talk to people i used to call best friends or great people.