the beginning of the hell again

I'm back where I was

I'm finished false happiness

Watch me go through a spiral of anxiety

And self-destruction back to a hopeless suicidal victim

I won't be able to handle anything this way

I don't deserve this

raaaahhhggbjjhbdrrrrrrruuhbdbhdjfbfrrrrr

ok apparently blogger censored my post... Whatevs. I wrote that while in a weird state..
very weird
anyway now I'm... Something
still completely Fucking clueless honestly.
Aaahhh WTF am I to do about it though. (my iphone capitalises WTF hahaa it loves the cuss)
okkk well um I guess
I um don't know.
Maybe not talk to my madr again uh
kicked out of my house for having a 2 9, job, nother job, goals, achievable aspirations and the self-control
Why is my goddamn mom in the same bedroom as my dad?
WTF why stay the fucking same?
I get fucked for it.
By someone who hates me just for the fact that I'm alive. I came out of her HGffgHhgfFrRreeeAaasaaagh SOME PaeOLLE Should not have kids!!!!
Aggghhhh that is such a fucing ISSUE to me!!!!
I would be the best mother!!
But not this week.. Jjhhgfgj how ironic
anywayyyy rrraaaooouuyywwee eeeee
GOD
GggoooddDdddDdd I wish kinda.
man I'm so fucked. The fture looks vague
and STUPiD
S t u p I d
maaaa shit.
SHit.
and thatcssss all
but Be Happy!!! Drink a beer.
i wana go on top chef just for the free beer ahahaha
no I'm not that into beer and wine anymore
well uh or a lot of things. I shall...... Change. How often?
Gimme a split second
wa
raa raaoouughe

it's either them or a drug dealer

do you think maybe the pirate skull and crossbones on the wall might be a bad omen?
I can't post a picture of a model right now. Note auto capitalizing.
sexxxxxy though

Oh look it's my bday
happy beed to me
fortunately I have special people about to don me quite enjoyable gifts on this fine morning
AND DISNEYLANDDDDDD YE

texted

give me my money
because you don't treat me nice
so you don't deserve to remind me
unless you at least pay me what i was meant to make

your winter

my check came in the mail today and it's $100 short
i can't avoid him and i'm not calling him for at least a week

it put me in a depression immediately
i started flipping out and my mom
is an insensitive bitch

i just wanted to get drunk

apparently i didn't give myself that option


i'm fighting myself not to be depressed

if my roommate gets a job at that restaurant i'm going to kill myself

continued.

home


















lula
tesk



licking me






















modeling!
this pose is so modeling bc she never holds herself/moves like this when there isn't a camera in front of her!























lu and i kissing
her favourite thing to do























sebastian and alex now



when i got here stupid belg told me she's gona kill him and 'was just waiting til i got home.' she's such a fucked up bitch he is FINE and HAPPY he lost 10 pounds but he walks ALL THE TIME when i'm here cause he LOVES me and i LOVE him. she hates him and neglects the SHIT OUT OF HIM and that's why he doesn't walk or show happiness around her. obviously she's making him lose the will to live and i'm fuckin angry about it she is lessening his life and if she ever kills him i'll fucking never talk to her again. he deserves to live but MOST importantly he WANTS to live i am pretty sure. EVERY SINGLE time i go near him he stands up and walks around the ENTIRE time i'm near him. and when my friends came over he wouldn't sit down or stop being with us and ate sooo much food. i KNOW he wants to be happy and live. SHE'S like a goddamn CONCENTRATION CAMP to him and she's a malicious bitch to him and MAKING HIM die. I FUCKING HAVE TO DO SOMETHING


her leg got shaved for the iv it's soo cute even though she hates me hahaha and bites only me even though she's blind and deaf aha









younger

















pictures i can't post anywhere proper cause jimmy's in them































btw my little brother just told me i'm not pretty
aha
ok but he said halle berry is
oooooh ok

and my plans

i planned to get jeans for camp
boots for camp
clothes i can get dirty

holy shit the new target line
organic clothes by rogan gregory
holy shit how do new yorkers live without target??
the line came out sunday
so it shouldn't be too picked over!
but i wish i'd gotten there sooner.

my riding boots may have leather and my jc shoes are COMING IN THE MAIL SOON cause the backorder time is over!!!! so these $98649.74 worth of rogan clothes i buy will help counter the shit i do buy buying leather :(

they better have a lot of these at camp









cause buckskins are my favourite colour horses. omgod i havent even been around a horse in 4 years!!!!!!!!!!! wtffffffffff only 10 days this is insane! just being there i will fucking flip out into happy-world

the bronx zoo people finally emailed me. i faxed them my apps.
the internship is 4 weekdays from 9-2:30.
dude.
plus overnight and weekend hours possibly.
and from sept til june.
so i can't take russian, archaeology, basically anything normal or of interest.

BUT REALLY.
this internship is so much of my life. if i take 3 classes around it and later get more wildlife stuff....this is what i need to become a zookeeper/wildlife conservist. it's very important and necessary. it would be an honour to get such a job.
my lifestyle will definitely warp.
but in a GREAT way. i'm sure.

i don't know what i want for my birthday. probably american apparel, anthropologie or free people gift certificates. i need shoes in life so i guess.. well that doesn't help much. i'm going to dinner with parents and disneyland with friends. cool people better come and stupid people better not act stupid. i bet it will just be me sam and larry though.

i bought atonement sweeney todd and hairspray. my favourite actors johnny jared jake and james are all j's. zac efron is a z. and clive owen. and shia. and kevin spacey of course, whom i know.

holy fuckin shit http://community.livejournal.com/ontd_fashinfags/829265.html?view=18598481#t18598481

MY 2 LIFE CALLINGS
i'm actually debating the cons of working for fashion companies this fall and after. like would i be doing a disservice to wildlife/making it less likely that i conserve wildlife in the future as a lifestyle[career]? i'm still really passionate about prisons too but